Thursday, May 11, 2006

Sex and stuff

Classes ended for me last week. It's really nice. I've been working part time this week at the same job I worked at during the school year (computer stuff) and I'm going to meet with someone tomorrow about another part time job. I already know I have the job, I'm just going to be working some things out about hours and duties and stuff. I'm really excited about it.

I've had a lot of free time this week in which I occupied myself with moving furniture, which I've been meaning to do for a couple of months (during which I broke a lamp), cleaning (which I didn't do nearly enough of), and reading blogs. I've read a whole bunch of them. I would link, but I'm feeling a little lazy. Hey, it's the middle of the night, I can do that. Anyway, the point is that they've been making me think a lot about sex. Why have I made the decisions that I have made? Do I regret them, embrace them, or what?

With my current boyfriend, I don't think I've made any serious mistakes with sexual issues. We've been dating for a year and a half. I would have had sex with him quite a long time ago and I made that pretty clear. He didn't want to. I'm okay with that. I'm not exactly sure why he hasn't wanted to. I haven't asked him because I didn't want him to feel like I was pressuring him. I think I need to ask him though. I would like to know what he's waiting for. I'm pretty sure he's not planning on waiting until he's married. The only mistake I feel like I've made is with communication. I've always been bad at it. I definately should have talked about things more. I think that's a problem that is completely fixable. It's something where the past doesn't really matter. My lack of communication has luckily not damaged the relationship, so I think if I were to start communicating better now, any possible negative effects that have happened could be completely resolved.

I know that I've made mistakes before I started dating him. I was really shy in high school and I could never tell anyone when I liked them. Looking back, most of the guys I liked weren't worthwhile, but there was one that I should have tried to pursue at least a little. I think he was just about as shy as I was, though, so maybe it would have been destined to be a relationship that never went anywhere.

There was one guy that I made a lot of mistakes with my freshman and sophomore year of college. First of all, he was kind of a jerk and I probably shouldn't have ever been friends with him in the first place. He did have some good qualities though. I hate it when people are fake or phony. He definately wasn't. He never pretended to be anything he wasn't. He could also be nice when he wanted to, but he was awfully pushy and really selfish. Why did I ever do anything with him? I've wondered that a lot. He spent a lot of time with me and like I said, he could be nice. He was really nice a lot of the time. I was sick one weekend (okay, I was throwing up for about 24 hours because I got really drunk - completely different story and not something I have done on any other occassion) and he canceled plans with a friend to take care of me. He mad em drink some water and eat some toast and he called his mom, a nurse, to ask if there was anything else he could do. He helped me take a bath. I felt a lot better after he'd finished. He is the first and only guy that I've ever had sex with. Being with him was a complete mistake. I knew I didn't love him and I didn't want to date him. I was just lonely and he was there. I'm not sure whether I regret it or not. If I could take it back I would but only if I could also add in going after one or two other guys that I actually did like and were nice.

While the relationship ended terribly, after I got over it I honestly felt better than I ever had before. I went to a family reunion and a relative who I am close to commented that her sister had said I looked happier than she'd ever seen me. I did have depression issues in high school and maybe they still exist, but not much. Somehow getting a little experience, even though it was negative, made me feel better about my life. I can't explain it. I already knew that my life was pretty good, but I have an intense curiosity about everything. I need to know everything. I don't have to experience everything, but I need to experience some things that are outside of the worldview that I grew up with. So maybe I wouldn't take back that experience. I made stupid mistakes, but I can live with the mistakes I made. It's kind of like in the movie Chasing Amy where Alyssa says she did a lot of things that weren't the best but they were her choices and she won't apologize for them. Or something along those lines.

I don't know if I've even answered the questions that I started out with, but I like how this post turned out. I like being able to organize my thoughts about certain things.

P.S. Don't think the friend who I slept with was any kind of saint or anything. He did one nice thing, but a lot of not so nice things. The whole time he was sleeping with me he was chasing after someone else. She was really sweet and naive (yes, even moreso than I was at the time). I thought he was over her and he let me think that. He swore that I wasn't his second choice but then just a couple of weeks later he ended it with me for her, without even having the decency to tell me that was the reason. A couple of months after he got together with her I told her that he'd been sleeping with me the whole time that he had been telling her how much he wanted her. Yeah, he was a complete mistake and waste of time.


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