Should I Come Out?It's a question I deal with every day. I go to a conservative Christian college. I may have had the wrong reasons for originally deciding to come here but in the end I'm glad I came. I'm glad I came here, but I'm not sure it's good for my mental health. Anyway, I'm glad I came here because I now know that I tried everything in my effort to be a Christian. I know for sure that there was no way that I could ever believe in any god. I tried brainwashing myself by only being around people who believed that way. I wanted desperately to become one. I thought that the reason that I wasn't happy and that everyone else around me seemed happy was because I was lacking a true belief in god. I spent years tormenting myself over this.
Now I am content with my atheism. I wouldn't honestly want to be any other way. People often say that they "choose to believe" something or other. I don't believe it at all. Just because they believe that Jesus is a loving, kind being rather than a vengeful, nitpicking one doesn't mean that they chose that belief. Just because they are much happier that way doesn't mean that they chose it. I spent so long trying to choose to believe in that that I know that it's not a choice.
What I am not content with is being closeted. Attending a university like mine means that I'm automatically there. Everyone automatically assumes that I am of their particular denomination. They are willing to accept a person who is still a Christian but of a different denomination, but some people seem to not be able to wrap their minds around someone who actually doesn't believe in that god. I'm probably making the people that I interact with on a daily basis seem horrible. They're not - they're just ignorant. And there are people who aren't that way. I just wish I could find more of them.
I wish that I had an easier time telling people the truth. Whenever anyone asks me something about anything related to the subject, I choke up. I have a hard time saying what I truely mean. About a week ago I had a really good conversation with a guy who actually listened and was really interested. Weirdly enough he was in the seminary. While it was nice to have him actually pay attention and not spout the line that there's no such thing as a real atheist, it's not enough for me. I need other people who think like me. I crave it. I feel so lonely. And no, it's not because I'm "separated from God".
Jeez, I'm defensive. I've always been defensive about this part of me. It's only recently that I've been able to even be remotely honest about the subject. About 6 months ago I started a myspace and agonized over what to put for religion. I eventually put agnostic and later, as my understanding of myself developed, atheist. But it's something that made me so tense. It shouldn't be that way. There've been times when I've been so apologetic about not going to church and not believing in something supernatural. I don't want to be that way anymore, but I don't know any other way to be.