Saturday, February 17, 2007

Sex

I've been thinking a lot about sex lately. I'm trying to figure out what things I should and shouldn't be doing and with who. I had a discussion with my roommate recently where she said that she was thinking about having sex with someone and she was trying to make the decision based on which would hurt her more. She had come to the conclusion that she was going to be more emotionally hurt by not having sex with him than by having sex with him. I think that this is a pretty good way to decide something like that. I think that in the past I've made wrong decisions regarding sex, both with having sex with a certain person and with not having sex with a different person. Both of those decisions hurt me more than the opposite decision would have. So I'm trying to use that standard now.

To make a long story short, I fooled around with one of my friends earlier this week. It was on Valentine's Day and we both got kinda drunk and then started making out and stuff. It wasn't because of the alcohol; I'm pretty sure that I would have done the same had I been sober. I've been thinking about this since then and I really don't think I've hurt myself emotionally at all in this case. So I have no problem with that particular decision.

What bothers me in this case is something that I'm pretty sure has to do with the way that I grew up. I was taught that I wasn't supposed to have sex before I was married. That was something that I never could bring myself to want for myself. Anyway, I don't have guilt feelings about sex, but I still regard it in ways that I wish I didn't. I sometimes wish that I could just have sex without thinking so much about it. On the one hand, thinking about important things is a good thing, but I do it to a bit of an extreme. I wish I could just have sex and then go on with life.

I feel like I've missed out on some things because I'm wound kind of tight. I'm graduating from college in May and I just wish I had experienced more while here (not just sex - everything). I really only have myself to blame. I am painfully shy at times. I couldn't even make out with that friend this past week without drinking. I have no idea how to go about serious flirting with anyone. I spend my weekends alone when I have plenty of friends that I could be hanging out with. One of my friends recently asked me if I minded that he invited himself over to my place sometimes. I told him that I didn't mind at all - I like it when he comes over. So then he asked me why I didn't just invite him over myself. I realized that he was totally right. I never seek anything out which is why I always end up alone. I wish I could change this. I just don't know how.

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