The words that no one hears

Relieved

2007-03-28T18:43:00.000-04:00

Today has been a relief for me - not because it's been easy or relaxing (just the opposite in fact), but because I got my period. I was a little bit afraid that I was pregnant. I'm actually really upset with myself over this. I plan to never let myself be in that situation again. In the past I have had completely unprotected sex (though not in over 3 years) but only either the day before or day after my period. That was stupid enough and I told myself that I wouldn't ever do that again. So this time I've been more careful. I've been using a condom every time, but then about two weeks ago one of them had to go and break on me at the absolute worst time of the month. The next morning I took Plan B. If anyone ever has to do that, then don't go on a 14 hour car ride afterwards. I never get car sick, but I think sitting in the back seat of the car made the nausea worse. I really thought that I was going to throw up there for a while.

Anyway, back to the point. I'm really glad I was able to get that, but it's only about 80 or 85 percent effective. Also, I think there is a psychological component. Whenever a condom is used I can see that it worked and that stuff didn't get through. This time I saw that it was broken but there's really no way to know for a while whether or not the Plan B worked. At this point I'm a little mad at myself for only relying on one method. While I have stuck to my resolution to always use protection, I don't think I have been quite responsible enough. I don't want to have to use emergency contraception again. It was unpleasant and I worry about the effectiveness of it. Not to mention how freaked out I was by the broken condom. By the way, that is the LAST time I will ever use the ultra thin kind. Lover boy can complain all he wants about the thicker ones - he's just going to have to deal with them. Or not if he so chooses. He doesn't have to have sex with me if he doesn't want to.

For now I'm angry at my university health insurance for not covering birth control. Unfortunately, there's no way for me to complain about it without the possibility of getting suspended or possibly expelled for having sex. I'm going to have to go to Planned Parenthood to get some type of birth control. I intend to do that in the next week or so. I've kind of been putting it off. It's not all that close and my schedule's crazy. I can work it in but I've been dragging my feet on it a little. New experiences always make me nervous. I was kind of nervous about getting the Plan B too, but that was urgent so I did it.

In the future, maybe I'll actually start posting regularly though possibly not for a month or so. I have to go through graduation and other stuff that is keeping me busy. After that I may be unemployed for a while, so then it'll be likely that I'll write more.

Sex

2007-02-17T11:58:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about sex lately. I'm trying to figure out what things I should and shouldn't be doing and with who. I had a discussion with my roommate recently where she said that she was thinking about having sex with someone and she was trying to make the decision based on which would hurt her more. She had come to the conclusion that she was going to be more emotionally hurt by not having sex with him than by having sex with him. I think that this is a pretty good way to decide something like that. I think that in the past I've made wrong decisions regarding sex, both with having sex with a certain person and with not having sex with a different person. Both of those decisions hurt me more than the opposite decision would have. So I'm trying to use that standard now.

To make a long story short, I fooled around with one of my friends earlier this week. It was on Valentine's Day and we both got kinda drunk and then started making out and stuff. It wasn't because of the alcohol; I'm pretty sure that I would have done the same had I been sober. I've been thinking about this since then and I really don't think I've hurt myself emotionally at all in this case. So I have no problem with that particular decision.

What bothers me in this case is something that I'm pretty sure has to do with the way that I grew up. I was taught that I wasn't supposed to have sex before I was married. That was something that I never could bring myself to want for myself. Anyway, I don't have guilt feelings about sex, but I still regard it in ways that I wish I didn't. I sometimes wish that I could just have sex without thinking so much about it. On the one hand, thinking about important things is a good thing, but I do it to a bit of an extreme. I wish I could just have sex and then go on with life.

I feel like I've missed out on some things because I'm wound kind of tight. I'm graduating from college in May and I just wish I had experienced more while here (not just sex - everything). I really only have myself to blame. I am painfully shy at times. I couldn't even make out with that friend this past week without drinking. I have no idea how to go about serious flirting with anyone. I spend my weekends alone when I have plenty of friends that I could be hanging out with. One of my friends recently asked me if I minded that he invited himself over to my place sometimes. I told him that I didn't mind at all - I like it when he comes over. So then he asked me why I didn't just invite him over myself. I realized that he was totally right. I never seek anything out which is why I always end up alone. I wish I could change this. I just don't know how.

2006-11-21T18:12:00.000-05:00

I've been single for about six months. In May, I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half. While it was a good relationship, I know that ending it was the right thing to do. I've been kinda lonely since then. Many of my good friends have graduated and left. Some of them are still around, but I haven't spent a lot of time with them this semester. I haven't really even considered the possibility of dating. Since last March (I was in a long distance relationship, which is why I didn't have any dates between March and May), I've been on one date. It was a good date and all and I would like to ask that guy out again, but I've just been too busy and I think he has, too.

Truthfully, I don't have a huge preference about whether I'm in a relationship or not. There are a lot of wonderful things about being with someone that I certainly miss, but I'm okay with being single. My sister was never single for more than about 2 months at a time since she was 15 and I think she may have missed out. I know that she's happily married and all, but I can't imagine myself being that way. I think that people learn a lot about themselves by being in relationships and by being single.

The problem with all of this is that I'm not really allowing myself the possibility of being in a relationship. Every time the thought enters my mind I push it out. While I don't think that it is a negative thing to not be dating, I think that the state that I am currently in is a bad one to be in. I'm fine being single, but I don't want to disallow myself to date, which is what I'm currently doing. I think that I'm in a negative emotional state at the moment. I'm not sure if it's because I am not allowing myself relationship possibilities or if it's just because I'm stressed out about school and not getting enough sleep because of it.

Regardless, I know that next semester will be better. I actually only need about 12 credits to graduate, although I'll probably end up taking 14 or 15. I don't think that they'll be too hard and I know that I'm going to like them. Even if I am in a better place then, the only guy that I have any modicum of interest in (the one I went on a date with) is probably still going to be in that stressed out state. He's working on his masters and is going to graduate in May. He has to have his thesis done next semester, so I'm not even sure if there is any possibility for us. It might just not work because of all of the stuff that he'll have to be doing.

*Just a note here: I actually was going to make this post more about sex and how I think I'm repressing that part of myself. Somehow it turned into my thoughts on dating. Not sure how that happened.

Gay Penguins

2006-11-17T02:11:00.000-05:00

Ah, the gay penguins are creating controversy yet again (and I'm procrastinating yet again). Some parents are complaing that the book about the gay penuins at the New York City Zoo is in the kids section.
They feel that:

the book tackles topics their young children aren't ready to handle.
Their request: Move the book to the library's regular shelves and restrict it to a section for mature issues, perhaps even requiring parental permission before their child can check it out.

My question is, are their kids really not ready to handle this or are the parents not ready to handle the thought that their kids might be able to handle it just fine?

2006-11-16T17:36:00.000-05:00

Ah, blogging - the ultimate procrastinator enabler. I'm addicted to procrastinating and like a misguided relative providing excuses for their alcoholic spouse, blogger (and xanga and myspace) is always there with an excuse for me to not do what I'm supposed to be doing. Right now I should be working on a paper that's due tomorrow, or reading the book that I haven't finished that the paper is supposed to be on, or studying for a quiz, or doing homework but instead I am here. I know I was going to write about dating on a Christian campus while being an atheist, but I haven't gotten to it yet. A few days ago I nearly made myself throw up because I was cramming food down my throat as fast as possible because I had spent all of my lunch time in the library and I had to get back to work. So, since then I've been trying to moderate myself a little and I've tried to cut down on things that have been taking up my time and keeping me from doing the schoolwork that I need to be doing. Since finals and all the end of semester papers are coming up I may not be posting here for a while. I have read some of the blogs of people who've commented here. Many of them look interesting and maybe over Christmas break I can comment on a few of them and read into them a little deeper. I hope you guys keep reading despite my long absences. Have a good weekend everyone.

Changing colleges, etc

2006-11-03T01:37:00.000-05:00

I'm still getting comments on that post that's 2 down from this one. I'm so amazed. I've never had that many comments on anything I've posted, either here or on the 3 or 4 other blogs that I've had in the past couple of years. I once got about 8 comments on a post that I made about chastity belts and I got another 8 comments when I posted this exchange:

Female Friend: I'm really horny. How should I deal with this?
Me: My current strategy is one of denial and repression.
Male Friend: Ha! You call me when that falls apart. I'll be happy to help you out with it.

I guess all I have to do to get people reading and commenting is to really write about what I feel, which is something I rarely do. I am, however, planning on doing this more often here. I don't always feel comfortable posting certain things where all of my friends can read them. As none of them know about this blog, I'm planning on taking advantage of that.

Thanks to the people who commented with suggestions and everything. I followed some of the links and read a couple of articles. When I get a free moment, which probably won't happen tll Christmas break or so, I'm going to spend a little more time actually following through on some of the suggestions. Thank you to the commenter who suggested a Unitarian church. I've actually considered checking it out. Unfortunately, this requires motivation to get out of bed before 1pm on a Sunday. I also haven't had much time to look into whether there are any close to where I am. I think that there's one within a half an hours drive or so. Someday I'll check it out.

As for transferring, it's not that it's bad advice or anything, just that in my particular situation it would really do me any good. I'm going to graduate in May and I wouldn't want to have to study any longer to get a degree, which is what would happen if I were to attend somewhere else. I've already been here for over four years. It'll be a total of 5 by the time I've graduated and I'm ready to be done with school for a while. I do plan to go to law school, but I really am going to need some time with a job next year. Also, while there have been certain negative things about attending here, I really do think that it was the right choice for me to have made. I don't regret it at all. If I had gone somewhere else, I know that I still would consider myself an atheist. The difference is that I would always wonder if I had gone to a Christian college if things would have been different. I would wonder if I would have been able to muster up some good Christian faith and actions and saved myself and my family the grief of being at such odds with each other. I suffer from enough self doubt and I know that I don't want that. I know for sure now that there really is no way for me to be a Christian. I am the way I am and nothing could change that. You have no idea how much confidence that gives me. I need that feeling and I wouldn't trade it for anything, including being at a secular college where I am accepted. I'll get out in to secular society soon enough. Yes, I'm looking forward to it. But that doesn't mean that things are awful right now. I'm actually content with my life - which believe me is a first. Sure there are things I'd like to change. Some days are worse than others. Some days are better. Actually, come to think of it, I've gone several days without hearing a mention of God. Wow, the super religious people are slipping. How did they manage to let me get away with that?

Anyway, my life has stress. Sometimes that comes from being in a religious environment. Sometimes it doesn't. For the moment the stress is coming from tons of schoolwork, insomnia, and back pain, which I'm pretty sure is caused by carrying around about 35 pounds of books 3 days a week.

I am going to post more this weekend (I promise). One things I want to talk about is how hard it is to date on a campus where most people will only date another Christian.

Sadly, I have to go study for a test. Yes, at 2 o'clock in the morning. The insomnia is hitting me hard tonight. If I honestly thought I could go to sleep, I would forego the studying for the sleep.

2006-10-19T00:04:00.000-04:00

Wow, that was a lot of comments I got on that last post. I guess all I need to do is leave a few comments of my own on blogs that have a lot of readers. Anyway, thanks for the comments. I enjoyed reading them. I'd address them in the comment section, but I think it's more likely that it'll be read here. David, yes it sounds like we do have a lot of similar experiences. I actually am going to email you. Michael K, yes it was a very honest post. I'm glad that I have this blog. It's kind of like my diary. I've never been able to consistantly keep up a journal or diary for all kinds of reasons, so that's kind of why I have this blog. Writing about it here is my own therapy. It's refreshing for me to be able to write honestly. Like I said in my last post, I'm always afraid of doing that here. Anonymous, thanks especially for the quote from Steven Hawking. He's someone I really admire and that statement actually really represents what I believe. I don't believe that there could be an all powerful being because that would go against the laws of the universe. I think that anything out there has to conform to those laws, which in my mind makes that being not a "God" in the way that most people think of the nature of God. To another anonymous poster, it is a real college, if that's what you mean. Sure plenty of parents send their kids here because there are more rules that most colleges, but it is still a very academic institution. Many people go on to graduate schools from here. To another anonymous poster, I will check out that yahoo group. I'm not quite sure that my background qualifies as "fundamentalist." My parents are pretty conservative in their religious beliefs but they don't really fit in with people who are maniacal about their beliefs. They hardly ever even vote Republican so how fundy could they be? Anyway, I think I would still fit in pretty well in the group. I did grow up going to churches and places where sex before marriage and drinking alcohol were considered sins. Chris Williams, I think you're probably right. This issue has been weighing on my mind more and more and I don't think I can take it too much longer. It's not like I lie about stuff; I just avoid the subject. If someone directly asks I tell them the truth, but it's hard for me. But I do think that the sooner I actually start telling the truth and stop being afraid of it, the better I will feel. Now I just have to work up the courage to do so. Lisa, yes, people wanting to convert me is an issue that I do face. But as one other commenter said, the people who really matter won't act that way. I know that I have true friends who care about me as a friend, not as someone to be fixed. I know that all of my friends already know that I don't go to church. As for changing colleges, I'm going to graduate in May, so that's not really one of my options. If I were miserable I would have transfered a long time ago. But I'm really not miserable. I'm happy that I came here and I think I've gained things from being here. I don't regret making the decision to come here. I think at this point I am honest with myself. I've been honest about myself to several of my friends. None of them has tried to convert or change me, but that may just be because I chose carefully who I would tell and didn't tell the people who might react that way.

Anyway, thanks again for the comments. I didn't address them all, but I did appreciate them all. I have to go now. I have a slight cold and need to get some sleep. I'm planning on posting here again soon. I'll probably do it a lot more often if people keep reading and commenting. Good night.

Should I Come Out?

2006-10-14T11:15:00.000-04:00

It's a question I deal with every day. I go to a conservative Christian college. I may have had the wrong reasons for originally deciding to come here but in the end I'm glad I came. I'm glad I came here, but I'm not sure it's good for my mental health. Anyway, I'm glad I came here because I now know that I tried everything in my effort to be a Christian. I know for sure that there was no way that I could ever believe in any god. I tried brainwashing myself by only being around people who believed that way. I wanted desperately to become one. I thought that the reason that I wasn't happy and that everyone else around me seemed happy was because I was lacking a true belief in god. I spent years tormenting myself over this.

Now I am content with my atheism. I wouldn't honestly want to be any other way. People often say that they "choose to believe" something or other. I don't believe it at all. Just because they believe that Jesus is a loving, kind being rather than a vengeful, nitpicking one doesn't mean that they chose that belief. Just because they are much happier that way doesn't mean that they chose it. I spent so long trying to choose to believe in that that I know that it's not a choice.

What I am not content with is being closeted. Attending a university like mine means that I'm automatically there. Everyone automatically assumes that I am of their particular denomination. They are willing to accept a person who is still a Christian but of a different denomination, but some people seem to not be able to wrap their minds around someone who actually doesn't believe in that god. I'm probably making the people that I interact with on a daily basis seem horrible. They're not - they're just ignorant. And there are people who aren't that way. I just wish I could find more of them.

I wish that I had an easier time telling people the truth. Whenever anyone asks me something about anything related to the subject, I choke up. I have a hard time saying what I truely mean. About a week ago I had a really good conversation with a guy who actually listened and was really interested. Weirdly enough he was in the seminary. While it was nice to have him actually pay attention and not spout the line that there's no such thing as a real atheist, it's not enough for me. I need other people who think like me. I crave it. I feel so lonely. And no, it's not because I'm "separated from God".

Jeez, I'm defensive. I've always been defensive about this part of me. It's only recently that I've been able to even be remotely honest about the subject. About 6 months ago I started a myspace and agonized over what to put for religion. I eventually put agnostic and later, as my understanding of myself developed, atheist. But it's something that made me so tense. It shouldn't be that way. There've been times when I've been so apologetic about not going to church and not believing in something supernatural. I don't want to be that way anymore, but I don't know any other way to be.

2006-10-09T12:31:00.000-04:00

I used to date a wonderful guy. I broke up with him in May because of the long distance. I sometimes wonder whether I'll ever find someone as great as him to date again. Other times I wonder if I really was in love with him or if he was just the first person I was able to connect with on an intellectual, philosophical level and that made me feel very strongly about the relationship and think I was in love with him. Growing up, I never knew anyone who liked to read as much as I did. I went to Christian schools for most of my life but always felt out of place. I eventually realized that I don't believe in God and I never did. I'm still in a Christian college. Not only are there very few non-Christians, there are very few people who I think are rational about science when it comes to religious issues. It often makes me uncomfortable. I found in him all of the things that I had been looking for even though at the time I didn't realize what it was that was. I miss him a lot and I think that I am hurting myself because I'm not letting myself get over him. There are many interesting men around. I keep comparing all of them to him and I know that's wrong and I'll never get anywhere by doing this. He wasn't a Christian and I appreciated that about him, but maybe there is a Christian out there that I could date. I think I might be limiting myself by excluding them from my possibilities. I think I would just want to make sure that they were rational about their faith.

Anyway, there is a very nice seminary student coming over very soon to jump my car because my battery died. My roommate keeps joking that he's coming over to jump me. He is someone that I could be very interested in. I'm definately interested in getting to know him better.

2006-07-14T15:10:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted here in quite a long time. I've been busy with work and my mom was visiting me for a couple of weeks. I'm working on a political campaign this summer, which I'm really enjoying. In my personal life, I broke up with my boyfriend. He's really great and I still love him, but I just couldn't handle us living a thousand miles away from each other. I'd been doing it for over a year and it was really stressful. I loved talking to him on the phone and going to visit him every couple of months, but it just wasn't enough. I would feel guilty anytime I felt attracted to other guys, which was happening quite a lot. I suppose people might always be attracted to other people even when they are in the perfect relationship. That I can deal with. Even when he lived here I think on occasion I might have noticed other guys, but it was really no big deal. Being apart for a year made it into a huge deal. I think that was the case with any minor issue in our relationship. It was all stuff that would hardly even be noticed, but once we couldn't be together, it just increased and increased. I think our lives are just headed in different directions. I still want him back, though. We've still been talking on the phone a lot. In some ways our relationship is pretty similar to what it was before we broke up. Anyway, I want a whole relationship and I don't think that was something that I could have with him now. If I can't have a whole relationship then I think I'm better off being single.

The only other thing that I feel inspired to talk about here is my relationship with my mom. We have a relationship that's just fine. I wouldn't say it's close, but I think it's better than what it's ever been before. I haven't really gotten along with my parents since I was about 12. I've realized now that our relationship is much better when we're not living together. Anyway, she visited me for almost two weeks and left today. It went well for the most part, but last night she told me that she worries about my spiritual life and doesn't want me to "throw out the baby with the bathwater," which is an expression that I've always hated, but is unimportant for the moment. I think that she thinks that I don't go to church because I get annoyed at silly rules or hypocritical people or something. That's not the reason at all. The reason is that I don't believe in God and I never have. I'm happier now than I ever have been partly because I've finally broken free from trying to be something that I'm not. Trying to believe in something and telling myself that I believed in it when I didn't made me very distressed. Some people may think that I tried too hard and that if I tried to just relax and let "come softly" that maybe that would have worked better. While that certainly would have been healthier, I've tried that too and I still wasn't able to believe in God. Christianity is supposed to be something that is available to everyone, but I never felt that it was available to me. It was out of my reach. I have yet to tell my mom all or any of this. I think my dad is content to just leave my religious life alone, but my mom keeps bringing it up. I know I've mentioned before how I'm bad at communicating. I should just come out and say it all. Part of the reason that I haven't is that I don't want to hurt her. But the biggest reason is that I just don't want to have that conversation with her due to my bad communication skills. I keep hoping that she'll figure out that I'm not going to be what she wanted me to be - a Christian. I made a point of mentioning my myspace and even saying "here's my myspace" in hopes that she'll find it on her own and see that I've listed myself as agnostic. It's kind of selfish and cowardly of me actually. To be perfectly honest, I think I've accepted the fact that we're going to have to have that conversation some day. I just don't want to see her cry. She's not someone who pries or snoops, which is something that I appreciate about her, and I think she would feel like she was invading my space if she were to search out my myspace. I just haven't really figured out how I'm going to go about that conversation, which is why I haven't done it yet. The only person I've really been able to talk to about it is my now ex-boyfriend. He's someone I can really talk to about things. He understands me better than anyone. Here I am pining again...

Bartending

2006-05-17T19:04:00.000-04:00

I think that after I graduate from college (a year from now) I might become a bartender. I don't know the first thing about alcohol or bartending and that's exactly why I want to do it. I grew up in a home where drinking alcohol was considered a sin. My parents have always been reasonable, rational Christians. They're not obsessive about what is a sin and what isn't, but growing up I got strong messages from them and from churches and church schools about alcohol, sex, and other things. I have now left Christianity. I wanted to write that I had completely left Christianity, but I'm not sure that's true. I still attend a conservative Christian university that has many rules about things that the powers that be consider to be unChristian behavior. I can get suspended for drinking alcohol or going to a bar, club, party, dance, or other place that serves alcohol. Which is, of course, completely rediculous because somehow we're still allowed to go to restaurants, many of which serve alcohol. But people in charge making rules that apply only to the events that they wouldn't attend is something to be posted at a different time. For now it's all about bartending. I'm seriously going to look into it. I might do that, I might join the Peace Corps or AmeriCorps or something else while I decide what I want to do for the rest of my life. What I do want to do with my life permanently will likely be graduate school in Sociology or Political Science, law school, or some type of work in government or politics.

Bartending. I'm seriously going to look into it. I suppose I should figure out the differences between things like tequila and margueritas (along with ohow to spell them). The things I know about alcohol could probably be listed on one hand.

Sex and stuff

2006-05-11T23:09:00.000-04:00

Classes ended for me last week. It's really nice. I've been working part time this week at the same job I worked at during the school year (computer stuff) and I'm going to meet with someone tomorrow about another part time job. I already know I have the job, I'm just going to be working some things out about hours and duties and stuff. I'm really excited about it.

I've had a lot of free time this week in which I occupied myself with moving furniture, which I've been meaning to do for a couple of months (during which I broke a lamp), cleaning (which I didn't do nearly enough of), and reading blogs. I've read a whole bunch of them. I would link, but I'm feeling a little lazy. Hey, it's the middle of the night, I can do that. Anyway, the point is that they've been making me think a lot about sex. Why have I made the decisions that I have made? Do I regret them, embrace them, or what?

With my current boyfriend, I don't think I've made any serious mistakes with sexual issues. We've been dating for a year and a half. I would have had sex with him quite a long time ago and I made that pretty clear. He didn't want to. I'm okay with that. I'm not exactly sure why he hasn't wanted to. I haven't asked him because I didn't want him to feel like I was pressuring him. I think I need to ask him though. I would like to know what he's waiting for. I'm pretty sure he's not planning on waiting until he's married. The only mistake I feel like I've made is with communication. I've always been bad at it. I definately should have talked about things more. I think that's a problem that is completely fixable. It's something where the past doesn't really matter. My lack of communication has luckily not damaged the relationship, so I think if I were to start communicating better now, any possible negative effects that have happened could be completely resolved.

I know that I've made mistakes before I started dating him. I was really shy in high school and I could never tell anyone when I liked them. Looking back, most of the guys I liked weren't worthwhile, but there was one that I should have tried to pursue at least a little. I think he was just about as shy as I was, though, so maybe it would have been destined to be a relationship that never went anywhere.

There was one guy that I made a lot of mistakes with my freshman and sophomore year of college. First of all, he was kind of a jerk and I probably shouldn't have ever been friends with him in the first place. He did have some good qualities though. I hate it when people are fake or phony. He definately wasn't. He never pretended to be anything he wasn't. He could also be nice when he wanted to, but he was awfully pushy and really selfish. Why did I ever do anything with him? I've wondered that a lot. He spent a lot of time with me and like I said, he could be nice. He was really nice a lot of the time. I was sick one weekend (okay, I was throwing up for about 24 hours because I got really drunk - completely different story and not something I have done on any other occassion) and he canceled plans with a friend to take care of me. He mad em drink some water and eat some toast and he called his mom, a nurse, to ask if there was anything else he could do. He helped me take a bath. I felt a lot better after he'd finished. He is the first and only guy that I've ever had sex with. Being with him was a complete mistake. I knew I didn't love him and I didn't want to date him. I was just lonely and he was there. I'm not sure whether I regret it or not. If I could take it back I would but only if I could also add in going after one or two other guys that I actually did like and were nice.

While the relationship ended terribly, after I got over it I honestly felt better than I ever had before. I went to a family reunion and a relative who I am close to commented that her sister had said I looked happier than she'd ever seen me. I did have depression issues in high school and maybe they still exist, but not much. Somehow getting a little experience, even though it was negative, made me feel better about my life. I can't explain it. I already knew that my life was pretty good, but I have an intense curiosity about everything. I need to know everything. I don't have to experience everything, but I need to experience some things that are outside of the worldview that I grew up with. So maybe I wouldn't take back that experience. I made stupid mistakes, but I can live with the mistakes I made. It's kind of like in the movie Chasing Amy where Alyssa says she did a lot of things that weren't the best but they were her choices and she won't apologize for them. Or something along those lines.

I don't know if I've even answered the questions that I started out with, but I like how this post turned out. I like being able to organize my thoughts about certain things.

P.S. Don't think the friend who I slept with was any kind of saint or anything. He did one nice thing, but a lot of not so nice things. The whole time he was sleeping with me he was chasing after someone else. She was really sweet and naive (yes, even moreso than I was at the time). I thought he was over her and he let me think that. He swore that I wasn't his second choice but then just a couple of weeks later he ended it with me for her, without even having the decency to tell me that was the reason. A couple of months after he got together with her I told her that he'd been sleeping with me the whole time that he had been telling her how much he wanted her. Yeah, he was a complete mistake and waste of time.

2006-05-09T11:06:00.000-04:00

I was talking to my boyfriend last night and he said something interesting. He said that while I'm an agnostic who leans atheistic I take religion a lot more seriously than a lot of Christians/religious people/people who go to church. He's completely right. Religion is a huge deal for me and I try to make sure that my actions line up with my religious beliefs. It always bothers me when people say they believe something and then they do something that is the complete opposite of that belief even if the way that they are acting is the way that I would want them to act according to what I believe.

I grew up in a very religious environment and now I have no religion. I'm now looking for somewhere to put my focus. It's a little disconcerting having cut out the biggest thing that my parents wanted to instill in me, but it's way better than before. I spent a long time trying to pretend that I was a Christian and all it did was make me really depressed. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and why I couldn't just believe in God like everyone else. I truly felt like the only person who didn't believe in God and Christianity because I spent most of my life at Christian schools where everyone participated in school worships and all the music that choir, band, and other groups performed was religious.

I think I'm going to write more on this page about my religious journey. I don't feel comfortable putting it on my main blog that my friends read. Sometimes I discuss my religious beliefs with my friends but quite often I prefer to avoid the subject. If I am specifically asked about a topic religious or otherwise I'll answer honestly, but I don't like to cause conflict and that's what I feel like I do. Fortunately, I have my wonderful boyfriend who I can pretty much talk to anything about and he understands. He's in a similar position as I am. He grew up in a religious home and spent the first 16 years of his schooling in Christian schools. Now he's in graduate school and can finally get away from that. He doesn't go to church anymore and he doesn't really believe in God, but he's not as hung up on the subject as I am. He doesn't go to church and that's that. For me it's a lot bigger partly because my parents still think I go to church (I think my brother and sister have it figured out) and I keep up the charade, though it's getting more and more wearisome, and partly because I still attend a religious school. I think it's also a bigger deal just because of who I am and I can't act a certain way without knowing exactly why I do things that way. Things have to make sense to me and I'm still looking around me to figure out what it is that I believe. I know that I'm not going to ever be a Christian, but I might find something else that would fit me more. I might someday be atheistic, but at this point I'm not sure enough about anything to consider myself that. I'm trying to figure out what religion means to me and what constitutes belief and what things are simply facts.

2006-03-01T13:08:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about abortion and reproductive freedom lately. The thought isn't a happy one, but since South Dakota's legislature passed it's law banning abortion, the thought won't leave my mind. I think that I already know quite a bit about the subject, but I keep wanting to know more. I've been reading everything that I can get my hands on lately including the text of the law in South Dakota.

It is so important to prevent unwanted pregnancies. I can respect people who feel that abortion is wrong and should be illegal, but I am disgusted when those same people won't give young people the information that they need to avoid pregnancies. I took this quote of Susan B. Anthony's from here:

"Guilty? Yes, no matter what the motive, love of ease, or a desire to save from suffering the unborn innocent, the woman is awfully guilty who commits the deed. It will burden her conscience in life, it will burden her soul in death; but oh! thrice guilty is he who, for selfish gratification, heedless of her prayers, indifferent to her fate, drove her to the desperation which impels her to the crime."

I do not think that it is wrong to have an abortion, but for those people who disagree, I can understand. What Susan B. Anthony so eloquently captures is the reality that the abortions of women who got pregnant due to an ignorance of sexuality and birth control are on the conscience of those who kept women or girls (and men and boys, too) from the knowledge of prevention of pregnancy. The people who think that they're helping adolescents by demanding that education teach their morality and leave out the facts are the people to blame for so many unwanted pregnancies and consequently abortions. They are only kidding themselves when they blame abortion on anyone but themselves.

Abortion

2006-02-22T19:50:00.000-05:00

No, I didn't have one or anything like that. I was just reading this article about the possibility of it being banned in South Dakota.

I know that abortion is not the ideal situation. It's never an easy thing to do. The ideal is that people will use birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancies. But due to the dismal state of sex ed in our country, which I have written a couple of papers on, women, especially young women, are getting pregnant when they don't want to. They are bearing the burden of "morality." Old, "Christian" men make laws that lead to ignorance. Nothing good ever came of ignorance and I don't know why anyone thinks that it will help anything in this case. Until sex education reaches the level that it should be at, I cannot blame women for having unwanted pregnancies and condemn them to bear the consequences for someone else's crazy idea that they are helping or saving someone by not telling them about their options. People who make those laws are not the ones who grew up in ignorance and had no idea where to go for information.

Hell, even I grew up in a relatively privileged home and I had unprotected sex. I wasn't ignorant, but I did spend 9 out of my 12 years (through high school) in Christian schools that didn't teach me the facts that I needed. I didn't have the relationship skills to bring up the subject of birth control and I didn't have the confidence to look for information on my own. For some reason I trusted the idea that withdrawal and timing sex well would protect me (though the good timing was just luck - I didn't really plan it that way). In my case it did, but I was lucky. I should have known better. I'm reasonably intelligent and I have a future that I wouldn't want to mess up by having a kid. But no one ever taught me to know better on that subject.

I can understand people being against abortion, but really don't understand how anyone that is against abortion can think that it's a good idea to not teach people about birth control. It's just crazy. If I ever do start an illegal abortion ring, whatever woman I help, I will also give a lot of information about birth control. Lately, I've been considering volunteering at Planned Parenthood. They seem to be the ones working the hardest to prevent unwanted pregnancies in the first place. The only thing that's been holding me back is that I have almost no time on my hands. I'm taking 16 credits and I'm working 20 hours a week. The only time I could volunteer is Saturdays and Friday afternoons and I'm usually making up for lost sleep those times. But I really think that it's something I want to do and that I need to make time for it. They are about the only group in my county that helps educate young people about sex in a complete way.

Need to blog

2006-02-17T19:13:00.000-05:00

I always have things to post about here, but I get caught up in life and I forget what they are before I get a chance to write about them. I've been considering carrying a notebook around with me to write those things down in. I have a book that is supposed to be a journal or a diary or something that a friend of mine gave me last year at Christmas. It's really pretty and it's a shame not to be using it, but I've never had the discipline to sit down and keep a journal regularly. That never happened until I began blogging. I have a different blog for talking with my friends that I have been keeping for over two years. I love it, but I don't feel free to say everything that I want. I also think that a lot of my friends wouldn't be interested in some of the things that I have to say regarding politics and stuff.

Today in a class, we were discussing John Locke and I had some profound thought about his views on life and property that I thought I might post here, but I don't remember it now. So I may start trying to write all the stuff down. The journal that my friend gave me almost seems too pretty to write in though...

Cartoon Outrage

2006-02-05T10:34:00.000-05:00

This week there have been violent protest in Muslim nations against countries in which newspapers printed cartoons that were offensive to Islam. The cartoons were most certainly offensive and they are not something that I would ever print. I wouldn't ever imply that Mohammed was a terrorist just like I wouldn't ever say that about Jesus. Most Muslims aren't terrorists and if I were Muslim I would probably be offended by the cartoons, too. But the only thing that burning buildings and throwing rocks in protest does is make the cartoon right. The Muslim world would do better to sit back and think about how they can change the stereotypes that the Western world holds than try to kill people. All that they're doing now is reinforcing those stereotypes and making everyone even more afraid of Islam.

Love in Action

2006-02-04T18:37:00.000-05:00

Last summer I happened to come across something online that really bothered me. Actually, bothered is an understatement; I think I was close to crying. I was just randomly reading blogs and one of them had linked to this story about a kid who had been sent to reparative therapy for being gay. I you want to read more about it, Terrence wrote all about it here. I told my boyfriend about reading it. He thought it was bad and all, but he wasn't as disturbed about it as I was. I mentioned it to a couple of other people and they were mildly interested, but they didn't seem to be as interested as I was, so I didn't bring it up anymore. I wanted to blog about it, but I didn't have this blog then. All I had was my xanga, which is read by my friends at my conservative Christian college. They're good friends, but I don't think they would have understood why I was talking about it. I even mentioned it to my mom (another conservative Christian, though she's one who I think is more grounded in reality than most) and all she heard was GAY, GAY, GAY. That's all she could focus on and then she started talking about how glad she was that my siblings and I all seem to be attracted to the opposite sex. I set up a MySpace account and joined the Free Zach group. I eventually deleted my MySpace account when one of my friends came across it and wanted to add me as a friend. I really wanted that account to just be for the group, not to communicate with my friends - that's what my xanga is for. I also went to a PFLAG meeting, which I enjoyed, but I haven't gone back. I keep meaning to, but I get really busy and stuff.

Anyway, now another child is speaking out about this. After Zach came back from Love in Action he just wanted to be left alone, which he posted about here. I guess it's understandable. I think in this new case, more might be able to be accomplished because the young man is willing to put himself out there in order to stop this. The news article is here. I really hope that he is able to bring more attention to this and prevent other parents from sending their kids to a place that will only mess them up.

I've been trying to figure out why I feel so strongly about this when my friends and many others just shrug their shoulders and say, "oh, that's too bad." I've realized that maybe that's not the question I should be asking. I should be asking why they don't seem to care more when there is a human rights abuse like that. Last summer, I really wanted to go to the protest on the day that Zach was being release, but I had to be at work and I would have had to drive all night. Looking back, though, I wish that I had at least tried. I might have been able to get someone to sub for me at the store and I could have driven all night to be there. I bet I would have met some really cool people and finally have had someone to talk to about it.

I've been trying to figure out why I feel so strongly about all of this. It's not just because I know gay people and have seen how they've been hurt by discrimination. I think it's because I have at least some semblance of faith in the way that we do things here in the U.S. Sure, people do horrible things. People can molest kids, but they go to jail for it. Even if they don't go to jail, it's at least illegal and the police and court system try to prevent it and prosecute it. But this is completely legal. A parent can pay someone to lock up their kid and have those people tell the kid that there is something wrong with them over and over and over. And it's not illegal at all. No one can stop it from happening. No one is there to protect the child who has to go through that. It really creeps me out.

I am a Sociology major and I really tried to look into the research on the subject. There really wasn't anything, though. There is research on gay parenting, which is largely positive and other aspects of homosexuality, but there really isn't anything on reparative therapy. Admittedly, it would be hard to do research like that on kids. It's always hard to do research with people under 18, but it could be done on adults. Maybe I'll just have to do it myself when I go to graduate school, if I ever go to grad school. I'll compare the rate of suicide among reparative therapy participants to the gay population in general. I'll be the new Durkheim.

As I wrote this post I realized how much I've been talking about me and how all of this relates to me. I hope that no one who's reading about this thinks that's selfish. I really feel for those who have gone through reparative therapy, especially those who did it involuntarily.

War

2006-01-31T07:08:00.000-05:00

I have heard a lot of people comparing the Iraq war to the Vietnam war. There certainly are a lot of similarities which leads me to the question: will we ever learn? We can pull out of Iraq and our troops will stop dying there, but will it make a long term difference? For a few years we may be war weary, but I don't see this making a permanent change. We had a horrible, unneccessary war in Vietnam and maybe for a few years or a decade or so, people wanted to stay out of conflict, but eventually bloodthirstiness triumphed. Unfortunately, I don't see that changing.

What could we do to make people want to stay out of wars? We can try to show people that war isn't glorious or honorable or heroic. How would we do that and would it even help?

Blogging

2005-12-23T11:36:00.000-05:00

I have been home for a week and I am seriously blog deprived. I haven't been visiting most of my usual blogs because I don't want those websites to show up on my parents' computer's internet history. If they do, then they might go visit those blogs and start to wonder what kind of crap I'm reading or there is the off chance that they would see a comment and click on that and end up here. That's pretty unlikely, though, since there is nothing that identifies me here. But I really want to be able to say whatever I want here and not have to worry about anyone I know reading it. That's why I always clear the internet history of the computers I use in my campus's library and computer labs and always clear the internet history on my computer before anyone else uses it. I actually brought my computer home, so I'm going to try to hook it up to their internet service today. We'll see if I get around to it.

Religion

2005-12-12T19:13:00.000-05:00

I don't believe in God. I also don't not believe in God. I am completely agnostic. Unfortunately, I feel like I can't talk about this much. I attend a conservative Christian college. I like it okay here and I love my friends, but many of them don't even know that I'm not Christian. Some of them know that I don't go to church much, but they don't really know how I truly feel. The only person who I talk truthfully with is my boyfriend. He has some similarities to me in what he believes. One difference is that he was baptized when he was younger so he is an official member of the church. I was never baptized. It just never felt right and it took me years to figure out why - because I didn't believe in God. The truth is that I can't ever remember believing in the existence of a God, though I spent a significant amount of time trying to convince myself that I did. Most of that was while I was in high school. I went to a Christian academy where the popular thing to do was to be super-spiritual. This is why Saved! is one of my favorite movies. The hypocrisy got to me, but that really has nothing to do with my current religious beliefs. I have had my beliefs for as long as I can remember.
Anyway, I go to school here and I don't go to church. When I go home and stay with my parents or when they come here, I dutifully go to church and kinda act like I always go. I don't lie about it but I try to avoid the subject if I can. I do this with quite a few things with them, actually. At some point I'm going to have to come clean and tell them the truth. After I graduate, it is quite likely that I will move in with my boyfriend. We've been talking about it for a while (6 months, maybe) and for now it's just a fantasy, but it's one that I would really like to come true. I don't think either of us like the idea of getting married much, which is a subject for a completely new post. Anyway, if/when that happens, I'm going to have to tell them that I don't believe the way that they do. Maybe I'll do that before then. If they asked me things like whether I go to church, believe in God, have had sex, ever drink alcohol, etc. I would answer them truthfully, but I don't feel like bringing it up now. It would kind of be like picking a fight.
Anyway, although I don't have a structured belief system, I would like to be around people who think like I do. It's really hard to find people on this campus like that. I love my friends and all, but there is a barrier when it comes to religious things. So I've been doing a little looking into things like Unitarian Universalists. Today, I read about the Washington Ethical Society. In their FAQ I came across something that I'd never thought about before. I read this:

One Golden Rule

The human spirit has journeyed along the varied paths charted by six major faiths, but a single ethical principle serves as the common ground for men and women of all these religions:

Hinduism. Do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you.--Mahabharata 5:1517
Buddhism. Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.--Udanavarga 5:18
Islam. No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself.--Sunan
Christianity. All things whatsoever you would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.--Matthew 7:12
Judaism. What is hateful to you, do not to your fellow man.--Talmud, Chabbat
Confucianism. Do not unto others what you would not have them do unto you.--Analects 15:13

I wish that I had learned more about alternate belief systems while growing up. Christianity doesn't have a monopoly on love or treating people well, which is how I always felt that people I grew up around were trying to tell me.

free speech again

2005-12-12T12:33:00.000-05:00

Earlier in the semester I wrote a paper for a class on how advertising fits into free speech. Advertising is different from regular speech in some ways. It is not as highly protected as other types of speech, but it does enjoy many protections under the Constitution and how we have interpreted it. I should dig out that paper and try to apply it to this. Would an administration pulling a gay themed ad from a school newspaper violate free speech? I think it would, but I would have to do a little research on how. Even if I did the research and came up with the opposite answer I still wouldn't like it. This is a case of administration officials changing the school newspaper, which is generally supposed to be aimed at the students, in order to make the administration a little more comfortable.

damn it!

2005-12-03T15:07:00.000-05:00

The last two posts are supposed to be revered. The posting one is supposed ot be referring to the crush post not the sexy post. I guess I stilll have some figuring out to do since despite changing the time on my sexy post, it won't make it 12pm instead of am.

*edit - and now they're reveresed the way they're supposed to be.

posting

2005-12-03T14:46:00.000-05:00

I have no idea what happened to my last post. It just disappeared. Oh, well. The gist of it was that I have a great boyfriend. The long distance sucks, but at the end of the day, he's the only one I want to be with either here or anywhere else in the country (or I guess, the world). The post didn't really matter.

crush

2005-12-01T14:16:00.000-05:00

Faces

2005-11-29T11:24:00.000-05:00

I went to this website, which I found a link to here. You upload a picture of your face and it tells you what famous people you most look like. According to that site I look like Ludwig Feuerbach, who is apparantly some dead famous guy with a beard. The next person that I apparently look like is Heinrich Boll. Apparantly, I look German, which isn't too surprising since I have a significant amoun of German heritage, though I have heritage of just about everywhere else in Europe, too. After that I look like Simone de Beauvior, Cary Grant, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Henry Fonda, Vladimir Kramnik, Giulio Andreotti, Mira Sorvino, and Eddie Murphy. For the record, I don't think I look at all like any of those people. Weird. This is a picture of the guy I look the most like:

Hmm, it was supposed to go right here, but it seems to like being at the top left. I guess I still need to figure blogger out.

Okay, I just did it again with a different picture. I like the results a little better this time. At least most of them are female. This time they are Alicia Keys, Deborah Kerr, Kim Il Sung, Hilary Duff, Carl Sagan, Annette Bening, Felix Klein, Tori Amos, Ho Chi Minh, and Hillary Rodham Clinton. The only one I kind of agree with is Tori Amos. At least she kind of has a round face. I guess Kim Il Sung has a round face like I do, but that's just weird that a website thinks I look like him. Maybe I'll try it again some other time to see what happens.

free speech

2005-11-28T21:10:00.000-05:00

I'm going to post more about this at some point in the future, but I don't really have time now. I really wish that everyone had more information on contraception. I don't really care about the tattoo thing aside from the fact that I don't want people being censored. There's more about it here.

Reflections on love in A Wrinkle in Time and Harry Potter

2005-11-19T22:11:00.000-05:00

I just got back from seeing the fourth Harry Potter movie. I realized something about one of the themes of the Harry Potter story that I should have realized a long time ago. In the movie it was briefly mentioned how Harry was saved by his mother's love. That is something that has been talked about over and over in the books. I suddenly realized how much it is like A Wrinkle in Time. In that book, Meg is finally able to overcome IT (the evil power thing) and get through to her brother, who has had his mind taken over by IT, when she realizes what she has that IT doesn't - love. When she realizes this, she is able to get through to Charles Wallace by letting him know how much she loves him. IT has no defense against love, because IT doesn't know or understand it at all.

So today I finally realized how similar the whole idea of love is in Harry Potter. Harry's mother used some type of spell on Harry so that evil wouldn't be able to touch him. When Voldemort tried to kill Harry, his spell rebounded on him and nearly destroyed him. Lily Potter's love covers Harry's skin and has made it very painful for Voldemort to come near him.

I've always found the ending of A Wrinkle in Time really cheesy. "What is it that you have that IT doesn't, Meg?" "It's love. Oh, Charles Wallace, I love you. Do you hear me, I love you." That's pretty much how it plays out. I had never even connected the themes of the two because they are done so differently. Rowling has done a much better job of making the love subtle. Love is everywhere, and yet it isn't sickeningly sweet like in A Wrinkle in Time. Somehow, Sirius Black even survived Azkaban due to having love. Love of James and Lily and perhaps Remus Lupin carried him through.

Depression

2005-11-14T03:17:00.000-05:00

My brother just told me that he's on "happy pills." He's been on them for nearly a year. I never knew that he had a problem with depression. I always thought that he was the good one out of all three of us who never really had any problems (I always thought of my sister as not having many problems either aside from some boyfriend drama, but she wasn't quite as "good" as my brother). I guess that isn't true of anyone and I should never think it. I just always thought that I was the only one who had the depression issue in my family, although I do remember my mom commenting in the last few months of my grandmother's life to one of my grandma's doctors or nurses that she thought that my grandma may have always struggled with a mild depression her whole life but always ignored it. Anyway, I'm glad that my brother was able to take care of it. I do wonder what brought on the trip to the doctor to get anti-depressants though. Was it him or my parents who thought that it would be good for him to have some medication? I think I'll bring it up at some point and ask him a little more about it. There have been some times in my life when I think that I would have really benefitted from some kind of medication. Right now, I'm okay, but I think it would be good for me to know more just in case I need help in the future. In the past I was always a little ashamed to bring it up. Knowing that my brother has something similar is good. We get along well and I don't think it would be too uncomfortable to talk about it with him.
I am really curious now as to who prompted him getting on medication. Was there some huge issue that preceded it? Actually, I doubt that. I don't think that he or my parents would have kept it from my sister and me. The thing that I'm wondering about is whether my parents brought up the idea. I always thought that they should have noticed that I could have used some help. My mom did send me to a counselor when I was thirteen, but I don't really think that it did any good. And then there was the fact that I never felt like she did it for me. She's not an uncaring mom, but I felt like she sent me to that woman because she didn't like the constant arguing between the two of us which would always lead to me breaking down into tears. I can argue with my parents now without crying, but it has nothing to do with the therapy - it is because I'm older and more mature. I know that I have to take responsibility for some of that fighting, but it really seemed like she sent me there to change me. I think she should have accepted the fact that some of the fighting was due to the way she acted, too. Maybe just talking about the constant arguments would have helped. If we couldn't even do that, or even bring it up, then I really don't think that therapy would help at all - especially not with just me in therapy and not her as well. Anyway, therapy didn't do anything at all. I told the therapist everything that I felt. I wasn't keeping anything from my parents - they already knew how I felt about everything. They knew that I didn't like them and I felt like that was why they sent me there - to make me like them. Though, once again, that couldn't happen without more actual talking rather than just arguments.
Anyway, like I said before, I know that I hold some responsibility for the constant arguing, but still, I was thirteen. They were adults. I think they could have handled things better, and I'm not even talking about antidepressants here.
The whole point of this post was that I think I could have had a much better time in 8th grade and some parts of high school with anti-depressants. Not all of our problems would have been fixed, but at least I wouldn't have felt like shit all the time and I think I would have been able to deal with things that hit me a lot better. My high school years weren't horrible (my 8th grade year was) and I was nevere in any real danger of killing or physically hurting myself, but I did do a lot of emotional hurting that was unnecessary.
I know that one of my problems is being unwilling to talk about problems. This, however, is not as severe as my parents think it is - they just think that I don't talk about problems with anyone because I don't talk about problems with them. I wish they could have been more of an advocate for me. As much as I didn't tell them about what was going on in my life, as parents, they should have noticed that there were serious problems. Actually, I think they did notice - they just didn't do anything about it. I'm envious of my brother - either someone noticed that there was something wrong or he told someone that there was a problem.

elections

2005-11-08T18:58:00.000-05:00

There are many interesting elections happening right now. The hotly contested governors seats are noteworthy, certainly, but the one that I find most relevant to my life is the California election deciding whether or not parents will have to be notified if their minor daughter wants an abortion. Now, granted, I'm not a minor, but that time in my life is not that far in my past. At this point I could have an abortion and wouldn't have to tell anyone, but the idea of girls having to tell their parents (or having someone else tell them) is disconcerting to say the least. I know people who've accidentally gotten pregnant (don't we all) and a lot of people who've had pregnancy scares and the idea of having to tell your parents about your sex life because of that is revolting.
Now, of course, one could just say don't get pregnant and you won't have to face either an abortion or having to tell your parents about an abortion, and that would be true, but of course it isn't that easy. I have a Behavioral Science class this semester that is about sex, and I really like the class. Yesterday, in class, the presentation included something that hit home. The professor stated that when people are lacking self-confidence they often leave the issue of protection up to the partner. I've done that. I have had unprotected sex because I was insecure, inexperienced, and uncomfortable with bringing it up. I could have ended up pregnant and it was only through luck - along with some good timing - that I mananged to not have to deal with that. I was 19 when I lost my virginity, though I would have probably done it much sooner if I had found anyone that I cared enough about to do it with earlier. So it really is only luck that I was never pregnant and a minor. My parents are pretty conservative and I was raised with the idea of not having sex until marriage. They don't know that I've had sex and I quite likely will never tell them. I love them, and they probably wouldn't have forbidden me to have an abortion, but I really wouldn't ever want to be forced to tell them that I'd had sex. If I ever tell them that, I want it to be because we have good communication and I feel comfortable telling them about my private life, not in a flood of tears because the government told me I had to.
I will never again have unprotected sex. I don't ever want to have an abortion, which is what I would do if I were to get pregnant right now. A friend of mine had a baby less than a month ago. It was totally unplanned. She's still in college and I know that it'll be hard for her to finish now, though I have no doubts that she will. That whole situation really impresses upon me the importance of birth control. I honestly feel a little guilty for having had sex in the past without considering the consequences - guilty for the fact that so many other people do something as stupid as I did and I got away completely scot-free.
I really hope that the amendment in California doesn't pass - for the sake of girls like me. I especially think this is important while our country has such a focus on abstinence only education. I knew what birth control was and I should have made better decisions, but part of the responsibility for my actions lies with people who should have given me more information about how to handle sexual situations, especially with regards to things like condoms. I'm currently taking a class about sex because I feel uninformed about the issue, however, I do feel that much of what I am aiming to learn in that class is stuff that should have been taught to me at a much younger age.

blogging

2005-11-04T03:53:00.000-05:00

Ah, blogging. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I love reading blogs and up until about 5 minutes ago, I had three. I just deleted one of them: the myspace account. It was supposed to be secret, but yesterday someone I know tried to friend me. I'm not really broken up about it cause I never posted things on it, but I did use it for one thing. To be a member of the Free Zach group. I'll probably create another one so that I can rejoin the group and make sure that it is untracable to me. On the last one I made the mistake of putting my hometown.
I kind of feel like a bitch, being a closeted gay rights supporter. Well, I'm not completely closeted, but I keep a lot of my opinions on the subject to myself. I don't really keep the fact that I have no problem with someone being gay to myself - I don't have a problem telling my friends that- but I do keep quiet about how strongly I actually feel about it. Equality is something that I really care about and it really bothers me when I look around and see things that are unjust. I know of a professor on campus who has a daughter that is a lesbian. She is terrified of anyone finding out. She stuck a toe out of the closet a few months ago when she had a relationship with another girl I know, but when that didn't work out I think she went completely back in. I wish I could be a better friend to her, but we've never been really close. Next semester may be different, when a mutual friend returns. Anyway, I'm just babbling on. I really should get to more important things. Yeah, right. Of course I'm just going to mess around online some more. :)

tired

2005-10-27T17:16:00.000-04:00

I've had an exhausting week. My new hero is my boss, who suggested that we close up the store early today (we took him up on that without hesitation). Tomorrow, I only have one class and no work, so I can finally relax, after nearly going insane this week. I love Fridays. I even really like my one class.

secrets

2005-10-24T21:02:00.000-04:00

I pretty much created this blog so that I can talk about things that I keep from other people. I've never been good at keeping a journal. I think the difference between that and this is the possibility that someone could read this. They could come along and comment but they wouldn't be someone that knows me. It could be a person that randomly comes here, or I could go comment on some of the blogs that I read using this website and that person could come over here and comment. I like that I feel entirely free to say whatever I want. I can talk about getting a D in a class last semester (I'm normally very sensitive about my grades and keep them from pretty much everyone), my entirely embarrassing addiction to Smallville fanfic, or the fact that I'm not completely happy with my relationship with my boyfriend. I could even talk about my sex life (or current lack thereof) on here without worrying about offending anyone or making sure that there are no faculty members around anywhere that could overhear things. I think I worry too much about keeping parts of me secret, but at the same I have to keep some things quiet. Like drinking alcohol - I could get suspended for that (I don't do it much, but I still have to sneak around and like about it). Sigh. I love my friends, but I just can't tell them everything. I suppose hardly anyone tells people everything. I just wish I didn't have to keep my opinions on political issues quiet even in political science classes because I know I would get ripped to shreds over my thoughts on abortion or homosexuality.
It always makes me smile when I find out that someone else (whether I know them or not) on campus thinks like I do. I went to an on campus party (so obviously no alcohol) on Saturday night (lots of fun - it was a costume party and I went as catwoman) and was commenting to a friend about a guy I think is hot and she told me that he was kind of drunk so I should go make a move. I reminded her that I have a bf. A few minutes later I realized that she was rather drunk herself. Anyway, it's nice to know that there are hot (and single) guys on campus who think like I do. I'm not much of a drinker - I learned my lesson a couple of years ago when I drank so much I spent most of the rest of the weekend throwing up (actually even before then I didn't drink often). It's just the fact of knowing that someone isn't completely Christian in the way that everyone on campus is. I get tired of the same kind of people. It's nice to know that there are others on campus (especially hot and single ones).

movies, books, and TV

2005-10-20T22:39:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite movies is The Village. It's a wonderful mixture of sweetness, determination, and intensity. I was reminded of a quote from that movie today. One character says something along the lines of, "Sometimes we do the opposite of what we want to do so that others will not know that we want to do them." I know this is true. Sometimes I wonder how much it plays into my own life...
On another note, I checked out several books from the library today. Am I the only person who checks out things, knowing that I won't read them? Probably not. And I probably will read at least some of each of the books. The one that I'm most excited about is called Sociology Through Science Fiction. It is a collection of essays on sociological topics interspersed with short scifi stories or excerpts from scifi books. It looks just so cool that I may have to buy it - that is, if it's still in print. The copy I found is from 1970.
Well, now I'm off to watch mindless television - Smallville, CSI, and then Joey and Will & Grace, taped while I watched Smallville. Oh, Thursday night television, you are my god (don't worry, that's just an expression - I am still completely committed to the Flying Spaghetti Monster).

conservative religious beliefs

2005-10-09T20:35:00.000-04:00

I spend a lot of time hearing beliefs that I know aren't true of all Christians, and yet they are presented as if every Christian either does or should believe them. The arrongance of some people in conservative circles never ceases to amaze me. Who are they to say what anyone else should believe? They really seem to believe that people who don't believe exactly the same as they do aren't true Christians. I find that really disturbing.
I also hear a lot about intelligent design. I really wish that I knew what true scientists believe on the issue of criticism of evolution. I'm sure that there are valid criticisms of evolution, I just never know what to believe because attending a religious school, and having spent most of my life at similar schools, I find that people who believe that the Bible's account of creation is true will latch on to anything, however rational, to defend their beliefs. I read a quote today that I don't want to forget. Andrew Sullivan, a Catholic, at said "Anyone who believes that the world was literally created in six days a few thousand years ago is not expressing his or her 'reliogious beliefs. Believeing something that is demonstrably and empirically untrue in not religion. It is simply superstition or lunacy. It has nothing to do with faith in things we cannot know. The notion that it should actually be taught in public schools as science is beneath even debating." I don't really know if all of this is true or not, but I'm sure that some of it is. I know that it's true that a lot of people do not express their true religious beliefs. Sometimes what people think that they believe doesn't actually make any sense or doesn't correspond with other things that they claim to believe. I find that I encounter that in people who don't ever seem to have questioned their faith.
Anyway, I try to screen a lot of things that I hear on certain topics, such as evolution or homosexuality or other stuff, before actually accepting it. This is especially true of things that I hear from religious groups. After hearing things that I know to be untrue from certain pastors and others I guess I'm a little paranoid. I know a lot of good people who are Christians and I don't have a particular problem with Christians in general, but I know that I could never be one.

2005-10-07T20:48:00.000-04:00

Well, I've created a blog that I don't intend to tell anyone I know about. I need a place to share what I'm thinking without having to tell people things that I'm uncomfortable with them knowing about me. I am not going to put any personal information on here because I don't want anyone I know finding out about it and reading it. No, my name isn't Shannon, but I think it's a good alias. I'm 21, I'm a Senior in college but not planning to graduate this school year, I have a pretty serious boyfriend, and there are many things about me that I don't tell anyone.
To start with, I'm not a Christian. I go to a conservative Christian college because I grew up in a conservative Christian family. I don't really believe in God and I almost never go to church. This is one of my biggest secrets. My family probably wouldn't be angry if I told them, but they'd be really disappointed and they wouldn't understand. Some of my friends know how I feel, but only the ones who are also not Christian or are unsure where they stand religiously. The rest of them think that I at least believe in God, although I think many of them know that I don't always go to church. My non-belief is my non-Christianity. I wish I didn't have to hide this, but I find it makes things much easier. People are happier in their obliviousness.
So here I am, starting this so that I can tell the world, but not the people I really care about how I really feel about everything. I feel really weird having this face that I show to everyone and never feeling like I can tell them the truth about who I really am.