Tuesday, November 29, 2005


I went to this website, which I found a link to here. You upload a picture of your face and it tells you what famous people you most look like. According to that site I look like Ludwig Feuerbach, who is apparantly some dead famous guy with a beard. The next person that I apparently look like is Heinrich Boll. Apparantly, I look German, which isn't too surprising since I have a significant amoun of German heritage, though I have heritage of just about everywhere else in Europe, too. After that I look like Simone de Beauvior, Cary Grant, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Henry Fonda, Vladimir Kramnik, Giulio Andreotti, Mira Sorvino, and Eddie Murphy. For the record, I don't think I look at all like any of those people. Weird. This is a picture of the guy I look the most like:

Hmm, it was supposed to go right here, but it seems to like being at the top left. I guess I still need to figure blogger out.

Okay, I just did it again with a different picture. I like the results a little better this time. At least most of them are female. This time they are Alicia Keys, Deborah Kerr, Kim Il Sung, Hilary Duff, Carl Sagan, Annette Bening, Felix Klein, Tori Amos, Ho Chi Minh, and Hillary Rodham Clinton. The only one I kind of agree with is Tori Amos. At least she kind of has a round face. I guess Kim Il Sung has a round face like I do, but that's just weird that a website thinks I look like him. Maybe I'll try it again some other time to see what happens.

Monday, November 28, 2005

free speech

I'm going to post more about this at some point in the future, but I don't really have time now. I really wish that everyone had more information on contraception. I don't really care about the tattoo thing aside from the fact that I don't want people being censored. There's more about it here.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Reflections on love in A Wrinkle in Time and Harry Potter

I just got back from seeing the fourth Harry Potter movie. I realized something about one of the themes of the Harry Potter story that I should have realized a long time ago. In the movie it was briefly mentioned how Harry was saved by his mother's love. That is something that has been talked about over and over in the books. I suddenly realized how much it is like A Wrinkle in Time. In that book, Meg is finally able to overcome IT (the evil power thing) and get through to her brother, who has had his mind taken over by IT, when she realizes what she has that IT doesn't - love. When she realizes this, she is able to get through to Charles Wallace by letting him know how much she loves him. IT has no defense against love, because IT doesn't know or understand it at all.

So today I finally realized how similar the whole idea of love is in Harry Potter. Harry's mother used some type of spell on Harry so that evil wouldn't be able to touch him. When Voldemort tried to kill Harry, his spell rebounded on him and nearly destroyed him. Lily Potter's love covers Harry's skin and has made it very painful for Voldemort to come near him.

I've always found the ending of A Wrinkle in Time really cheesy. "What is it that you have that IT doesn't, Meg?" "It's love. Oh, Charles Wallace, I love you. Do you hear me, I love you." That's pretty much how it plays out. I had never even connected the themes of the two because they are done so differently. Rowling has done a much better job of making the love subtle. Love is everywhere, and yet it isn't sickeningly sweet like in A Wrinkle in Time. Somehow, Sirius Black even survived Azkaban due to having love. Love of James and Lily and perhaps Remus Lupin carried him through.

Monday, November 14, 2005


My brother just told me that he's on "happy pills." He's been on them for nearly a year. I never knew that he had a problem with depression. I always thought that he was the good one out of all three of us who never really had any problems (I always thought of my sister as not having many problems either aside from some boyfriend drama, but she wasn't quite as "good" as my brother). I guess that isn't true of anyone and I should never think it. I just always thought that I was the only one who had the depression issue in my family, although I do remember my mom commenting in the last few months of my grandmother's life to one of my grandma's doctors or nurses that she thought that my grandma may have always struggled with a mild depression her whole life but always ignored it. Anyway, I'm glad that my brother was able to take care of it. I do wonder what brought on the trip to the doctor to get anti-depressants though. Was it him or my parents who thought that it would be good for him to have some medication? I think I'll bring it up at some point and ask him a little more about it. There have been some times in my life when I think that I would have really benefitted from some kind of medication. Right now, I'm okay, but I think it would be good for me to know more just in case I need help in the future. In the past I was always a little ashamed to bring it up. Knowing that my brother has something similar is good. We get along well and I don't think it would be too uncomfortable to talk about it with him.
I am really curious now as to who prompted him getting on medication. Was there some huge issue that preceded it? Actually, I doubt that. I don't think that he or my parents would have kept it from my sister and me. The thing that I'm wondering about is whether my parents brought up the idea. I always thought that they should have noticed that I could have used some help. My mom did send me to a counselor when I was thirteen, but I don't really think that it did any good. And then there was the fact that I never felt like she did it for me. She's not an uncaring mom, but I felt like she sent me to that woman because she didn't like the constant arguing between the two of us which would always lead to me breaking down into tears. I can argue with my parents now without crying, but it has nothing to do with the therapy - it is because I'm older and more mature. I know that I have to take responsibility for some of that fighting, but it really seemed like she sent me there to change me. I think she should have accepted the fact that some of the fighting was due to the way she acted, too. Maybe just talking about the constant arguments would have helped. If we couldn't even do that, or even bring it up, then I really don't think that therapy would help at all - especially not with just me in therapy and not her as well. Anyway, therapy didn't do anything at all. I told the therapist everything that I felt. I wasn't keeping anything from my parents - they already knew how I felt about everything. They knew that I didn't like them and I felt like that was why they sent me there - to make me like them. Though, once again, that couldn't happen without more actual talking rather than just arguments.
Anyway, like I said before, I know that I hold some responsibility for the constant arguing, but still, I was thirteen. They were adults. I think they could have handled things better, and I'm not even talking about antidepressants here.
The whole point of this post was that I think I could have had a much better time in 8th grade and some parts of high school with anti-depressants. Not all of our problems would have been fixed, but at least I wouldn't have felt like shit all the time and I think I would have been able to deal with things that hit me a lot better. My high school years weren't horrible (my 8th grade year was) and I was nevere in any real danger of killing or physically hurting myself, but I did do a lot of emotional hurting that was unnecessary.
I know that one of my problems is being unwilling to talk about problems. This, however, is not as severe as my parents think it is - they just think that I don't talk about problems with anyone because I don't talk about problems with them. I wish they could have been more of an advocate for me. As much as I didn't tell them about what was going on in my life, as parents, they should have noticed that there were serious problems. Actually, I think they did notice - they just didn't do anything about it. I'm envious of my brother - either someone noticed that there was something wrong or he told someone that there was a problem.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


There are many interesting elections happening right now. The hotly contested governors seats are noteworthy, certainly, but the one that I find most relevant to my life is the California election deciding whether or not parents will have to be notified if their minor daughter wants an abortion. Now, granted, I'm not a minor, but that time in my life is not that far in my past. At this point I could have an abortion and wouldn't have to tell anyone, but the idea of girls having to tell their parents (or having someone else tell them) is disconcerting to say the least. I know people who've accidentally gotten pregnant (don't we all) and a lot of people who've had pregnancy scares and the idea of having to tell your parents about your sex life because of that is revolting.
Now, of course, one could just say don't get pregnant and you won't have to face either an abortion or having to tell your parents about an abortion, and that would be true, but of course it isn't that easy. I have a Behavioral Science class this semester that is about sex, and I really like the class. Yesterday, in class, the presentation included something that hit home. The professor stated that when people are lacking self-confidence they often leave the issue of protection up to the partner. I've done that. I have had unprotected sex because I was insecure, inexperienced, and uncomfortable with bringing it up. I could have ended up pregnant and it was only through luck - along with some good timing - that I mananged to not have to deal with that. I was 19 when I lost my virginity, though I would have probably done it much sooner if I had found anyone that I cared enough about to do it with earlier. So it really is only luck that I was never pregnant and a minor. My parents are pretty conservative and I was raised with the idea of not having sex until marriage. They don't know that I've had sex and I quite likely will never tell them. I love them, and they probably wouldn't have forbidden me to have an abortion, but I really wouldn't ever want to be forced to tell them that I'd had sex. If I ever tell them that, I want it to be because we have good communication and I feel comfortable telling them about my private life, not in a flood of tears because the government told me I had to.
I will never again have unprotected sex. I don't ever want to have an abortion, which is what I would do if I were to get pregnant right now. A friend of mine had a baby less than a month ago. It was totally unplanned. She's still in college and I know that it'll be hard for her to finish now, though I have no doubts that she will. That whole situation really impresses upon me the importance of birth control. I honestly feel a little guilty for having had sex in the past without considering the consequences - guilty for the fact that so many other people do something as stupid as I did and I got away completely scot-free.
I really hope that the amendment in California doesn't pass - for the sake of girls like me. I especially think this is important while our country has such a focus on abstinence only education. I knew what birth control was and I should have made better decisions, but part of the responsibility for my actions lies with people who should have given me more information about how to handle sexual situations, especially with regards to things like condoms. I'm currently taking a class about sex because I feel uninformed about the issue, however, I do feel that much of what I am aiming to learn in that class is stuff that should have been taught to me at a much younger age.

Friday, November 04, 2005


Ah, blogging. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I love reading blogs and up until about 5 minutes ago, I had three. I just deleted one of them: the myspace account. It was supposed to be secret, but yesterday someone I know tried to friend me. I'm not really broken up about it cause I never posted things on it, but I did use it for one thing. To be a member of the Free Zach group. I'll probably create another one so that I can rejoin the group and make sure that it is untracable to me. On the last one I made the mistake of putting my hometown.
I kind of feel like a bitch, being a closeted gay rights supporter. Well, I'm not completely closeted, but I keep a lot of my opinions on the subject to myself. I don't really keep the fact that I have no problem with someone being gay to myself - I don't have a problem telling my friends that- but I do keep quiet about how strongly I actually feel about it. Equality is something that I really care about and it really bothers me when I look around and see things that are unjust. I know of a professor on campus who has a daughter that is a lesbian. She is terrified of anyone finding out. She stuck a toe out of the closet a few months ago when she had a relationship with another girl I know, but when that didn't work out I think she went completely back in. I wish I could be a better friend to her, but we've never been really close. Next semester may be different, when a mutual friend returns. Anyway, I'm just babbling on. I really should get to more important things. Yeah, right. Of course I'm just going to mess around online some more. :)