Wednesday, May 17, 2006


I think that after I graduate from college (a year from now) I might become a bartender. I don't know the first thing about alcohol or bartending and that's exactly why I want to do it. I grew up in a home where drinking alcohol was considered a sin. My parents have always been reasonable, rational Christians. They're not obsessive about what is a sin and what isn't, but growing up I got strong messages from them and from churches and church schools about alcohol, sex, and other things. I have now left Christianity. I wanted to write that I had completely left Christianity, but I'm not sure that's true. I still attend a conservative Christian university that has many rules about things that the powers that be consider to be unChristian behavior. I can get suspended for drinking alcohol or going to a bar, club, party, dance, or other place that serves alcohol. Which is, of course, completely rediculous because somehow we're still allowed to go to restaurants, many of which serve alcohol. But people in charge making rules that apply only to the events that they wouldn't attend is something to be posted at a different time. For now it's all about bartending. I'm seriously going to look into it. I might do that, I might join the Peace Corps or AmeriCorps or something else while I decide what I want to do for the rest of my life. What I do want to do with my life permanently will likely be graduate school in Sociology or Political Science, law school, or some type of work in government or politics.

Bartending. I'm seriously going to look into it. I suppose I should figure out the differences between things like tequila and margueritas (along with ohow to spell them). The things I know about alcohol could probably be listed on one hand.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Sex and stuff

Classes ended for me last week. It's really nice. I've been working part time this week at the same job I worked at during the school year (computer stuff) and I'm going to meet with someone tomorrow about another part time job. I already know I have the job, I'm just going to be working some things out about hours and duties and stuff. I'm really excited about it.

I've had a lot of free time this week in which I occupied myself with moving furniture, which I've been meaning to do for a couple of months (during which I broke a lamp), cleaning (which I didn't do nearly enough of), and reading blogs. I've read a whole bunch of them. I would link, but I'm feeling a little lazy. Hey, it's the middle of the night, I can do that. Anyway, the point is that they've been making me think a lot about sex. Why have I made the decisions that I have made? Do I regret them, embrace them, or what?

With my current boyfriend, I don't think I've made any serious mistakes with sexual issues. We've been dating for a year and a half. I would have had sex with him quite a long time ago and I made that pretty clear. He didn't want to. I'm okay with that. I'm not exactly sure why he hasn't wanted to. I haven't asked him because I didn't want him to feel like I was pressuring him. I think I need to ask him though. I would like to know what he's waiting for. I'm pretty sure he's not planning on waiting until he's married. The only mistake I feel like I've made is with communication. I've always been bad at it. I definately should have talked about things more. I think that's a problem that is completely fixable. It's something where the past doesn't really matter. My lack of communication has luckily not damaged the relationship, so I think if I were to start communicating better now, any possible negative effects that have happened could be completely resolved.

I know that I've made mistakes before I started dating him. I was really shy in high school and I could never tell anyone when I liked them. Looking back, most of the guys I liked weren't worthwhile, but there was one that I should have tried to pursue at least a little. I think he was just about as shy as I was, though, so maybe it would have been destined to be a relationship that never went anywhere.

There was one guy that I made a lot of mistakes with my freshman and sophomore year of college. First of all, he was kind of a jerk and I probably shouldn't have ever been friends with him in the first place. He did have some good qualities though. I hate it when people are fake or phony. He definately wasn't. He never pretended to be anything he wasn't. He could also be nice when he wanted to, but he was awfully pushy and really selfish. Why did I ever do anything with him? I've wondered that a lot. He spent a lot of time with me and like I said, he could be nice. He was really nice a lot of the time. I was sick one weekend (okay, I was throwing up for about 24 hours because I got really drunk - completely different story and not something I have done on any other occassion) and he canceled plans with a friend to take care of me. He mad em drink some water and eat some toast and he called his mom, a nurse, to ask if there was anything else he could do. He helped me take a bath. I felt a lot better after he'd finished. He is the first and only guy that I've ever had sex with. Being with him was a complete mistake. I knew I didn't love him and I didn't want to date him. I was just lonely and he was there. I'm not sure whether I regret it or not. If I could take it back I would but only if I could also add in going after one or two other guys that I actually did like and were nice.

While the relationship ended terribly, after I got over it I honestly felt better than I ever had before. I went to a family reunion and a relative who I am close to commented that her sister had said I looked happier than she'd ever seen me. I did have depression issues in high school and maybe they still exist, but not much. Somehow getting a little experience, even though it was negative, made me feel better about my life. I can't explain it. I already knew that my life was pretty good, but I have an intense curiosity about everything. I need to know everything. I don't have to experience everything, but I need to experience some things that are outside of the worldview that I grew up with. So maybe I wouldn't take back that experience. I made stupid mistakes, but I can live with the mistakes I made. It's kind of like in the movie Chasing Amy where Alyssa says she did a lot of things that weren't the best but they were her choices and she won't apologize for them. Or something along those lines.

I don't know if I've even answered the questions that I started out with, but I like how this post turned out. I like being able to organize my thoughts about certain things.

P.S. Don't think the friend who I slept with was any kind of saint or anything. He did one nice thing, but a lot of not so nice things. The whole time he was sleeping with me he was chasing after someone else. She was really sweet and naive (yes, even moreso than I was at the time). I thought he was over her and he let me think that. He swore that I wasn't his second choice but then just a couple of weeks later he ended it with me for her, without even having the decency to tell me that was the reason. A couple of months after he got together with her I told her that he'd been sleeping with me the whole time that he had been telling her how much he wanted her. Yeah, he was a complete mistake and waste of time.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

I was talking to my boyfriend last night and he said something interesting. He said that while I'm an agnostic who leans atheistic I take religion a lot more seriously than a lot of Christians/religious people/people who go to church. He's completely right. Religion is a huge deal for me and I try to make sure that my actions line up with my religious beliefs. It always bothers me when people say they believe something and then they do something that is the complete opposite of that belief even if the way that they are acting is the way that I would want them to act according to what I believe.

I grew up in a very religious environment and now I have no religion. I'm now looking for somewhere to put my focus. It's a little disconcerting having cut out the biggest thing that my parents wanted to instill in me, but it's way better than before. I spent a long time trying to pretend that I was a Christian and all it did was make me really depressed. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and why I couldn't just believe in God like everyone else. I truly felt like the only person who didn't believe in God and Christianity because I spent most of my life at Christian schools where everyone participated in school worships and all the music that choir, band, and other groups performed was religious.

I think I'm going to write more on this page about my religious journey. I don't feel comfortable putting it on my main blog that my friends read. Sometimes I discuss my religious beliefs with my friends but quite often I prefer to avoid the subject. If I am specifically asked about a topic religious or otherwise I'll answer honestly, but I don't like to cause conflict and that's what I feel like I do. Fortunately, I have my wonderful boyfriend who I can pretty much talk to anything about and he understands. He's in a similar position as I am. He grew up in a religious home and spent the first 16 years of his schooling in Christian schools. Now he's in graduate school and can finally get away from that. He doesn't go to church anymore and he doesn't really believe in God, but he's not as hung up on the subject as I am. He doesn't go to church and that's that. For me it's a lot bigger partly because my parents still think I go to church (I think my brother and sister have it figured out) and I keep up the charade, though it's getting more and more wearisome, and partly because I still attend a religious school. I think it's also a bigger deal just because of who I am and I can't act a certain way without knowing exactly why I do things that way. Things have to make sense to me and I'm still looking around me to figure out what it is that I believe. I know that I'm not going to ever be a Christian, but I might find something else that would fit me more. I might someday be atheistic, but at this point I'm not sure enough about anything to consider myself that. I'm trying to figure out what religion means to me and what constitutes belief and what things are simply facts.