Tuesday, May 09, 2006

I was talking to my boyfriend last night and he said something interesting. He said that while I'm an agnostic who leans atheistic I take religion a lot more seriously than a lot of Christians/religious people/people who go to church. He's completely right. Religion is a huge deal for me and I try to make sure that my actions line up with my religious beliefs. It always bothers me when people say they believe something and then they do something that is the complete opposite of that belief even if the way that they are acting is the way that I would want them to act according to what I believe.

I grew up in a very religious environment and now I have no religion. I'm now looking for somewhere to put my focus. It's a little disconcerting having cut out the biggest thing that my parents wanted to instill in me, but it's way better than before. I spent a long time trying to pretend that I was a Christian and all it did was make me really depressed. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and why I couldn't just believe in God like everyone else. I truly felt like the only person who didn't believe in God and Christianity because I spent most of my life at Christian schools where everyone participated in school worships and all the music that choir, band, and other groups performed was religious.

I think I'm going to write more on this page about my religious journey. I don't feel comfortable putting it on my main blog that my friends read. Sometimes I discuss my religious beliefs with my friends but quite often I prefer to avoid the subject. If I am specifically asked about a topic religious or otherwise I'll answer honestly, but I don't like to cause conflict and that's what I feel like I do. Fortunately, I have my wonderful boyfriend who I can pretty much talk to anything about and he understands. He's in a similar position as I am. He grew up in a religious home and spent the first 16 years of his schooling in Christian schools. Now he's in graduate school and can finally get away from that. He doesn't go to church anymore and he doesn't really believe in God, but he's not as hung up on the subject as I am. He doesn't go to church and that's that. For me it's a lot bigger partly because my parents still think I go to church (I think my brother and sister have it figured out) and I keep up the charade, though it's getting more and more wearisome, and partly because I still attend a religious school. I think it's also a bigger deal just because of who I am and I can't act a certain way without knowing exactly why I do things that way. Things have to make sense to me and I'm still looking around me to figure out what it is that I believe. I know that I'm not going to ever be a Christian, but I might find something else that would fit me more. I might someday be atheistic, but at this point I'm not sure enough about anything to consider myself that. I'm trying to figure out what religion means to me and what constitutes belief and what things are simply facts.


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