Friday, July 14, 2006

I haven't posted here in quite a long time. I've been busy with work and my mom was visiting me for a couple of weeks. I'm working on a political campaign this summer, which I'm really enjoying. In my personal life, I broke up with my boyfriend. He's really great and I still love him, but I just couldn't handle us living a thousand miles away from each other. I'd been doing it for over a year and it was really stressful. I loved talking to him on the phone and going to visit him every couple of months, but it just wasn't enough. I would feel guilty anytime I felt attracted to other guys, which was happening quite a lot. I suppose people might always be attracted to other people even when they are in the perfect relationship. That I can deal with. Even when he lived here I think on occasion I might have noticed other guys, but it was really no big deal. Being apart for a year made it into a huge deal. I think that was the case with any minor issue in our relationship. It was all stuff that would hardly even be noticed, but once we couldn't be together, it just increased and increased. I think our lives are just headed in different directions. I still want him back, though. We've still been talking on the phone a lot. In some ways our relationship is pretty similar to what it was before we broke up. Anyway, I want a whole relationship and I don't think that was something that I could have with him now. If I can't have a whole relationship then I think I'm better off being single.

The only other thing that I feel inspired to talk about here is my relationship with my mom. We have a relationship that's just fine. I wouldn't say it's close, but I think it's better than what it's ever been before. I haven't really gotten along with my parents since I was about 12. I've realized now that our relationship is much better when we're not living together. Anyway, she visited me for almost two weeks and left today. It went well for the most part, but last night she told me that she worries about my spiritual life and doesn't want me to "throw out the baby with the bathwater," which is an expression that I've always hated, but is unimportant for the moment. I think that she thinks that I don't go to church because I get annoyed at silly rules or hypocritical people or something. That's not the reason at all. The reason is that I don't believe in God and I never have. I'm happier now than I ever have been partly because I've finally broken free from trying to be something that I'm not. Trying to believe in something and telling myself that I believed in it when I didn't made me very distressed. Some people may think that I tried too hard and that if I tried to just relax and let "come softly" that maybe that would have worked better. While that certainly would have been healthier, I've tried that too and I still wasn't able to believe in God. Christianity is supposed to be something that is available to everyone, but I never felt that it was available to me. It was out of my reach. I have yet to tell my mom all or any of this. I think my dad is content to just leave my religious life alone, but my mom keeps bringing it up. I know I've mentioned before how I'm bad at communicating. I should just come out and say it all. Part of the reason that I haven't is that I don't want to hurt her. But the biggest reason is that I just don't want to have that conversation with her due to my bad communication skills. I keep hoping that she'll figure out that I'm not going to be what she wanted me to be - a Christian. I made a point of mentioning my myspace and even saying "here's my myspace" in hopes that she'll find it on her own and see that I've listed myself as agnostic. It's kind of selfish and cowardly of me actually. To be perfectly honest, I think I've accepted the fact that we're going to have to have that conversation some day. I just don't want to see her cry. She's not someone who pries or snoops, which is something that I appreciate about her, and I think she would feel like she was invading my space if she were to search out my myspace. I just haven't really figured out how I'm going to go about that conversation, which is why I haven't done it yet. The only person I've really been able to talk to about it is my now ex-boyfriend. He's someone I can really talk to about things. He understands me better than anyone. Here I am pining again...


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