Thursday, October 19, 2006

Wow, that was a lot of comments I got on that last post. I guess all I need to do is leave a few comments of my own on blogs that have a lot of readers. Anyway, thanks for the comments. I enjoyed reading them. I'd address them in the comment section, but I think it's more likely that it'll be read here. David, yes it sounds like we do have a lot of similar experiences. I actually am going to email you. Michael K, yes it was a very honest post. I'm glad that I have this blog. It's kind of like my diary. I've never been able to consistantly keep up a journal or diary for all kinds of reasons, so that's kind of why I have this blog. Writing about it here is my own therapy. It's refreshing for me to be able to write honestly. Like I said in my last post, I'm always afraid of doing that here. Anonymous, thanks especially for the quote from Steven Hawking. He's someone I really admire and that statement actually really represents what I believe. I don't believe that there could be an all powerful being because that would go against the laws of the universe. I think that anything out there has to conform to those laws, which in my mind makes that being not a "God" in the way that most people think of the nature of God. To another anonymous poster, it is a real college, if that's what you mean. Sure plenty of parents send their kids here because there are more rules that most colleges, but it is still a very academic institution. Many people go on to graduate schools from here. To another anonymous poster, I will check out that yahoo group. I'm not quite sure that my background qualifies as "fundamentalist." My parents are pretty conservative in their religious beliefs but they don't really fit in with people who are maniacal about their beliefs. They hardly ever even vote Republican so how fundy could they be? Anyway, I think I would still fit in pretty well in the group. I did grow up going to churches and places where sex before marriage and drinking alcohol were considered sins. Chris Williams, I think you're probably right. This issue has been weighing on my mind more and more and I don't think I can take it too much longer. It's not like I lie about stuff; I just avoid the subject. If someone directly asks I tell them the truth, but it's hard for me. But I do think that the sooner I actually start telling the truth and stop being afraid of it, the better I will feel. Now I just have to work up the courage to do so. Lisa, yes, people wanting to convert me is an issue that I do face. But as one other commenter said, the people who really matter won't act that way. I know that I have true friends who care about me as a friend, not as someone to be fixed. I know that all of my friends already know that I don't go to church. As for changing colleges, I'm going to graduate in May, so that's not really one of my options. If I were miserable I would have transfered a long time ago. But I'm really not miserable. I'm happy that I came here and I think I've gained things from being here. I don't regret making the decision to come here. I think at this point I am honest with myself. I've been honest about myself to several of my friends. None of them has tried to convert or change me, but that may just be because I chose carefully who I would tell and didn't tell the people who might react that way.

Anyway, thanks again for the comments. I didn't address them all, but I did appreciate them all. I have to go now. I have a slight cold and need to get some sleep. I'm planning on posting here again soon. I'll probably do it a lot more often if people keep reading and commenting. Good night.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Should I Come Out?

It's a question I deal with every day. I go to a conservative Christian college. I may have had the wrong reasons for originally deciding to come here but in the end I'm glad I came. I'm glad I came here, but I'm not sure it's good for my mental health. Anyway, I'm glad I came here because I now know that I tried everything in my effort to be a Christian. I know for sure that there was no way that I could ever believe in any god. I tried brainwashing myself by only being around people who believed that way. I wanted desperately to become one. I thought that the reason that I wasn't happy and that everyone else around me seemed happy was because I was lacking a true belief in god. I spent years tormenting myself over this.

Now I am content with my atheism. I wouldn't honestly want to be any other way. People often say that they "choose to believe" something or other. I don't believe it at all. Just because they believe that Jesus is a loving, kind being rather than a vengeful, nitpicking one doesn't mean that they chose that belief. Just because they are much happier that way doesn't mean that they chose it. I spent so long trying to choose to believe in that that I know that it's not a choice.

What I am not content with is being closeted. Attending a university like mine means that I'm automatically there. Everyone automatically assumes that I am of their particular denomination. They are willing to accept a person who is still a Christian but of a different denomination, but some people seem to not be able to wrap their minds around someone who actually doesn't believe in that god. I'm probably making the people that I interact with on a daily basis seem horrible. They're not - they're just ignorant. And there are people who aren't that way. I just wish I could find more of them.

I wish that I had an easier time telling people the truth. Whenever anyone asks me something about anything related to the subject, I choke up. I have a hard time saying what I truely mean. About a week ago I had a really good conversation with a guy who actually listened and was really interested. Weirdly enough he was in the seminary. While it was nice to have him actually pay attention and not spout the line that there's no such thing as a real atheist, it's not enough for me. I need other people who think like me. I crave it. I feel so lonely. And no, it's not because I'm "separated from God".

Jeez, I'm defensive. I've always been defensive about this part of me. It's only recently that I've been able to even be remotely honest about the subject. About 6 months ago I started a myspace and agonized over what to put for religion. I eventually put agnostic and later, as my understanding of myself developed, atheist. But it's something that made me so tense. It shouldn't be that way. There've been times when I've been so apologetic about not going to church and not believing in something supernatural. I don't want to be that way anymore, but I don't know any other way to be.

Monday, October 09, 2006

I used to date a wonderful guy. I broke up with him in May because of the long distance. I sometimes wonder whether I'll ever find someone as great as him to date again. Other times I wonder if I really was in love with him or if he was just the first person I was able to connect with on an intellectual, philosophical level and that made me feel very strongly about the relationship and think I was in love with him. Growing up, I never knew anyone who liked to read as much as I did. I went to Christian schools for most of my life but always felt out of place. I eventually realized that I don't believe in God and I never did. I'm still in a Christian college. Not only are there very few non-Christians, there are very few people who I think are rational about science when it comes to religious issues. It often makes me uncomfortable. I found in him all of the things that I had been looking for even though at the time I didn't realize what it was that was. I miss him a lot and I think that I am hurting myself because I'm not letting myself get over him. There are many interesting men around. I keep comparing all of them to him and I know that's wrong and I'll never get anywhere by doing this. He wasn't a Christian and I appreciated that about him, but maybe there is a Christian out there that I could date. I think I might be limiting myself by excluding them from my possibilities. I think I would just want to make sure that they were rational about their faith.

Anyway, there is a very nice seminary student coming over very soon to jump my car because my battery died. My roommate keeps joking that he's coming over to jump me. He is someone that I could be very interested in. I'm definately interested in getting to know him better.