Tuesday, November 21, 2006

I've been single for about six months. In May, I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half. While it was a good relationship, I know that ending it was the right thing to do. I've been kinda lonely since then. Many of my good friends have graduated and left. Some of them are still around, but I haven't spent a lot of time with them this semester. I haven't really even considered the possibility of dating. Since last March (I was in a long distance relationship, which is why I didn't have any dates between March and May), I've been on one date. It was a good date and all and I would like to ask that guy out again, but I've just been too busy and I think he has, too.

Truthfully, I don't have a huge preference about whether I'm in a relationship or not. There are a lot of wonderful things about being with someone that I certainly miss, but I'm okay with being single. My sister was never single for more than about 2 months at a time since she was 15 and I think she may have missed out. I know that she's happily married and all, but I can't imagine myself being that way. I think that people learn a lot about themselves by being in relationships and by being single.

The problem with all of this is that I'm not really allowing myself the possibility of being in a relationship. Every time the thought enters my mind I push it out. While I don't think that it is a negative thing to not be dating, I think that the state that I am currently in is a bad one to be in. I'm fine being single, but I don't want to disallow myself to date, which is what I'm currently doing. I think that I'm in a negative emotional state at the moment. I'm not sure if it's because I am not allowing myself relationship possibilities or if it's just because I'm stressed out about school and not getting enough sleep because of it.

Regardless, I know that next semester will be better. I actually only need about 12 credits to graduate, although I'll probably end up taking 14 or 15. I don't think that they'll be too hard and I know that I'm going to like them. Even if I am in a better place then, the only guy that I have any modicum of interest in (the one I went on a date with) is probably still going to be in that stressed out state. He's working on his masters and is going to graduate in May. He has to have his thesis done next semester, so I'm not even sure if there is any possibility for us. It might just not work because of all of the stuff that he'll have to be doing.

*Just a note here: I actually was going to make this post more about sex and how I think I'm repressing that part of myself. Somehow it turned into my thoughts on dating. Not sure how that happened.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Gay Penguins

Ah, the gay penguins are creating controversy yet again (and I'm procrastinating yet again). Some parents are complaing that the book about the gay penuins at the New York City Zoo is in the kids section.
They feel that:
the book tackles topics their young children aren't ready to handle.

Their request: Move the book to the library's regular shelves and restrict it to a section for mature issues, perhaps even requiring parental permission before their child can check it out.

My question is, are their kids really not ready to handle this or are the parents not ready to handle the thought that their kids might be able to handle it just fine?

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Ah, blogging - the ultimate procrastinator enabler. I'm addicted to procrastinating and like a misguided relative providing excuses for their alcoholic spouse, blogger (and xanga and myspace) is always there with an excuse for me to not do what I'm supposed to be doing. Right now I should be working on a paper that's due tomorrow, or reading the book that I haven't finished that the paper is supposed to be on, or studying for a quiz, or doing homework but instead I am here. I know I was going to write about dating on a Christian campus while being an atheist, but I haven't gotten to it yet. A few days ago I nearly made myself throw up because I was cramming food down my throat as fast as possible because I had spent all of my lunch time in the library and I had to get back to work. So, since then I've been trying to moderate myself a little and I've tried to cut down on things that have been taking up my time and keeping me from doing the schoolwork that I need to be doing. Since finals and all the end of semester papers are coming up I may not be posting here for a while. I have read some of the blogs of people who've commented here. Many of them look interesting and maybe over Christmas break I can comment on a few of them and read into them a little deeper. I hope you guys keep reading despite my long absences. Have a good weekend everyone.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Changing colleges, etc

I'm still getting comments on that post that's 2 down from this one. I'm so amazed. I've never had that many comments on anything I've posted, either here or on the 3 or 4 other blogs that I've had in the past couple of years. I once got about 8 comments on a post that I made about chastity belts and I got another 8 comments when I posted this exchange:

Female Friend: I'm really horny. How should I deal with this?
Me: My current strategy is one of denial and repression.
Male Friend: Ha! You call me when that falls apart. I'll be happy to help you out with it.

I guess all I have to do to get people reading and commenting is to really write about what I feel, which is something I rarely do. I am, however, planning on doing this more often here. I don't always feel comfortable posting certain things where all of my friends can read them. As none of them know about this blog, I'm planning on taking advantage of that.

Thanks to the people who commented with suggestions and everything. I followed some of the links and read a couple of articles. When I get a free moment, which probably won't happen tll Christmas break or so, I'm going to spend a little more time actually following through on some of the suggestions. Thank you to the commenter who suggested a Unitarian church. I've actually considered checking it out. Unfortunately, this requires motivation to get out of bed before 1pm on a Sunday. I also haven't had much time to look into whether there are any close to where I am. I think that there's one within a half an hours drive or so. Someday I'll check it out.

As for transferring, it's not that it's bad advice or anything, just that in my particular situation it would really do me any good. I'm going to graduate in May and I wouldn't want to have to study any longer to get a degree, which is what would happen if I were to attend somewhere else. I've already been here for over four years. It'll be a total of 5 by the time I've graduated and I'm ready to be done with school for a while. I do plan to go to law school, but I really am going to need some time with a job next year. Also, while there have been certain negative things about attending here, I really do think that it was the right choice for me to have made. I don't regret it at all. If I had gone somewhere else, I know that I still would consider myself an atheist. The difference is that I would always wonder if I had gone to a Christian college if things would have been different. I would wonder if I would have been able to muster up some good Christian faith and actions and saved myself and my family the grief of being at such odds with each other. I suffer from enough self doubt and I know that I don't want that. I know for sure now that there really is no way for me to be a Christian. I am the way I am and nothing could change that. You have no idea how much confidence that gives me. I need that feeling and I wouldn't trade it for anything, including being at a secular college where I am accepted. I'll get out in to secular society soon enough. Yes, I'm looking forward to it. But that doesn't mean that things are awful right now. I'm actually content with my life - which believe me is a first. Sure there are things I'd like to change. Some days are worse than others. Some days are better. Actually, come to think of it, I've gone several days without hearing a mention of God. Wow, the super religious people are slipping. How did they manage to let me get away with that?

Anyway, my life has stress. Sometimes that comes from being in a religious environment. Sometimes it doesn't. For the moment the stress is coming from tons of schoolwork, insomnia, and back pain, which I'm pretty sure is caused by carrying around about 35 pounds of books 3 days a week.

I am going to post more this weekend (I promise). One things I want to talk about is how hard it is to date on a campus where most people will only date another Christian.

Sadly, I have to go study for a test. Yes, at 2 o'clock in the morning. The insomnia is hitting me hard tonight. If I honestly thought I could go to sleep, I would forego the studying for the sleep.